


Dividing by Zero

by snowkatze



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Fights, Happy Ending, Healing, M/M, Swearing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-14
Updated: 2018-01-14
Packaged: 2019-03-04 13:14:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13365465
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snowkatze/pseuds/snowkatze
Summary: Simon and Baz have a fight for the first time as a couple.





	Dividing by Zero

Bickering is normal. They do it all the time. Picking at each other. Provoking each other. It wouldn't be them if it weren't like that. It always ends in soft kisses or laughter or heart-warming hugs. This time was the first time they had a real fight. A couple-fight. A door-slamming, not-talking-to-each-other, saying-things-more-nasty-than-you-mean fight. The kind that cuts sharply and pierces you like a thousand needles. The kind that might end in ripped photos, broken hearts, and a burnt down love.

“You've been so quiet lately. Is something up?” Simon asked softly, as Baz read through an article on his phone. Baz stopped reading and made a grunting noise, and kept scrolling.

“Baz.”  
He kept staring at his phone.

“We need to talk about things. You know we do.”  
“Is that what your therapist told you?”  
“Well, she's not wrong!”

Baz closed his eyes for one painful moment. He felt a part of his body, inside his chest, freeze. He wondered how he could look perfectly normal on the outside, in a slumped up position, as if nothing was wrong, when he was hurting so much on the inside. He didn't even tense up. Well. Practise makes perfect, he supposed.

“It doesn't even matter anyways.”  
“Of course it bloody matters!”

“I think that's for me to decide.”  
“No, it's not. We're in this together, remember? It's us two now. We're on the same side now. No secrets.”  
“It doesn't have to be, you know?”  
“What?”  
“Us two. Together.”  
Simon's eyes widened, Baz could see it out of the corner of his eye, but he still didn't move. Even as his phone started shaking, and he realized that it was because his hand was shaking, and he couldn't fool Simon any more into thinking he was fine, he didn't move.

“Why would you say that?”  
“You don't have to punish yourself, you know,” Baz said in a monotone voice, but his upper lip quivered slightly.

“What do you mean?”  
“By being with me. You don't have to force yourself.”  
“I'm not punishing myself!”  
Baz' head snapped up and he locked eyes with Simon.

“I know I'm not your happy ending.”  
“Well, no, but -”  
“I'm just saying that it's okay. If you fall in love with her.”  
“Who?”  
“Anyone.”  
“Is this about Sarah?”  
Baz shrugged.

“Are you serious? You can't get jealous just because I'm doing a project with a girl in my class.”  
“She's pretty.”  
“So?”  
“She's nice.”  
“Baz, stop.”  
“She's normal, and... it would be easy. Easier. With her.”  
“Baz. Don't.”  
Baz clenched his teeth together.

“I'm just saying it would be okay.”

“I can't believe this.”  
Simon was crying. Baz looked away.

“I'm sorry, Simon. I just don't want you to feel stuck with me.”  
Simon shook his head.

“I just want you to be happy.”  
“Happy? Happy?! Are you kidding me? How could I be happy?”  
“I – I'm sorry, Simon, I -”  
“Stop saying you're fucking sorry!”

Baz blinked at him, stunned.

“For fuck's sake, Baz. How could I be happy? I _killed_ the Mage. Or maybe I didn't, but he's still fucking dead. And so is Ebb. And I don't have magic any more. How on earth do you expect me to be happy? It isn't easy. Not at all. And how could I be god damn happy without you? How is that supposed to work, Baz? How could I ever come even close to happiness if you weren't with me?”  
“You were supposed to be Agatha, Snow. She was your golden destiny.”  
“I never wanted _nice_. I never wanted to be with her, I just thought I was supposed to be. How can you be so – so – so fucking calm? Why are you not bloody screaming at me?”  
“Because you deserve better than me!”  
“You think I'm falling in love with someone else, and you apologize? That is low, even for you.”  
“I'm just trying to make things easier for you. I'm trying to give you a way out, okay? But  
maybe there is something wrong with you, Snow! Maybe you're more fucked up than I ever thought you were, because that's what you'd have to be to fall in love with someone like me! I bullied you for years, and you just kiss me out of the blue? Is that some freak-ass fetish?”

“You know it isn't like that, asshole!”

“Maybe not, but I'm also not exactly a nice person. And I'm a vampire, too. How can you _want_ me – no, how can you _love_ me, when you know about that? You must be sick, Snow, to fall in love with a monster.”  
“You're not a monster!”

“Of course I am! Are you even listening to me?! I destroy everything I touch! I'll destroy you too.”  
“No, you won't.”  
“How can you be so sure about that?”  
“Because I know you, Baz, I know you better than anyone.”  
“Then why aren't you running for your freaking life right now?”  
“Because you're just a boy. You're just a boy. You act like you don't care, but I know that you do.”

“Snow...”  
“You can't even call me Simon, can you?”  
Simon buried his face, that was wet with tears, in his hands.

“It's not easy, Baz, of course it isn't. But I know that we can do it together. That was the agreement, okay? We do it together! That's what it's about, that's what a relationship is. But you have to be in it. Long-term.”  
“You seriously think this is going to last, Snow?”  
Baz' voice was seeping from bitterness.

“It's not going to last. At least I hope so, for your sake.”  
Of course, he didn't hope so.

“Argh!” Simon called out in frustration. “Can't you ever see – Can't you understand that – I – I just – Baz. Baz. Do I even mean _anything_ to you?”  
_Everything,_ Baz wanted to say. _You mean everything to me._

But, because that was the case, he didn't.

“If you are looking for happiness, and you should be, if you aren't completely out of your mind, you have to look somewhere else, Snow.”  
“My name is Simon!” he screamed.

He felt like lunging at something, he felt like hitting something until his knuckles were bleeding. He felt like going off, but his magic was gone, so he just stormed out of the room and slammed the door shut.

In the bed room, Simon curled himself into a ball and he cried, and he felt like there was something wrong in his head, like there was an equation that he couldn't understand. He felt like he had to divide by zero to solve it. 

* * *

 

It felt like hours later when the door opened a crack.

“Simon?” a voice whispered.

Simon lifted his head and he saw a silhouette standing in the door way, his head bowed.

“Can I come in?”  
Simon nodded and moved to the side of the bed to make room for Baz. Baz came and sat beside him, but not close enough to touch him. Simon felt cold.

“Listen,” Baz said. “Listen.”

For a moment, there was silence.

“I don't want to lose you, Simon.”  
More silence.  
“Me neither.”  
“I'm just really fucking scared, is all.”  
Simon turned to face him with his whole body.

“What are you afraid of?”  
“That it won't work out. That you'll leave. That we won't be happy. Or... that... you could've been happier. Ten years from now. If I'd have let you go.”

“I'm scared, too, Baz. I'm scared that you will never realize that you're good enough, and that – that I love you, because, oh, Baz, I love you so much.”  
Simon lowered his voice.

“I love you so much.”  
Baz just stared at him.

“I love you...” he muttered back. “Do you think that's enough?”  
“It might be. But you have to be serious about it. You have to be in it for real. And that means you can't expect this to cut short. That means you have to plan ahead. You have to believe in it.”  
“But I'm still scared.”  
“We both are.”

“I wish we weren't broken...”  
“It's no use. We are. And we're scared. But... maybe we can do something about it?”  
“And what?”  
“I think you just have to hold my hand,” Simon whispered.

“Hold your hand?”  
“Can you do that?” Simon muttered. “Just hold my hand.”  
In the dark, Baz carefully felt his way over the mattress until his fingertips brushed against Simon's. Then he interlocked their fingers. He kept holding it. All through the night, until soft sunlight fell through the blinds, he didn't let go.

 


End file.
